i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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