pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
