Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
