Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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