god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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