I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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