So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
