just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
