Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
