dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
