Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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