No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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