just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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