Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he's single and there are thong briefs.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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