I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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