whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Where is the hickey?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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