One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
