i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
