Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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