Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
