Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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