I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
