4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
