Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
