I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
