so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
