I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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