I'm gonna have a badass scar
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
