There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
