I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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