I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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