ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
