you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
