you would pick up someone in the library
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
