How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize