I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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