I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
