tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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