I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
