Fine. I'll sleep in my office
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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