I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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