My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You ate ashes out of my bong
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