I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
