Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
