Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
