just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
