I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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