i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
