so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
