if only i could text you this smell
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
