Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
