Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
