I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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