I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
