people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
