Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
