today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
